Honestly, I don’t know who I get it from or who I take after because no one in my family cares about service, or building community. Yet its something very important to me, being able to give and receive support.

Maybe its because I understand what it can feel like not having support or care. I’ve always been the one to give, alot of that was projected onto me. Many people around just assume due to my role and position, that I am suppose to constant give away.

I am the eldest daughter of the eldest son of the family, means that my dad is the bearer and responsible for the entire family - including his parents, siblings, his nieces/nephews….everyone. I learned to take care, step into the role of mother and caretaker when I was at the age of 9. Not even having time to process that my mother just left me, that I was the new “mother” overnight. At 9, I became responsible for my 5 yr old brother, and 1 year sister. Even after reconnecting with my mother, she wanted to continue the relationship with my roles as mother because it was easier for her. She constantly reminded that I was my siblings mother, and that I should continue that duty.

Even in other spaces, I was just given responsibility because I was deemed mature without ppl ever realizing that I had no choice. I started to look after all younger cousins, at church I took care of other people’s babies and kids. In my own spirit house and lineage, I took care of my elder providing whatever she needed, and I was so eager to do it. Making sure all the god-sisters were helped and assisted, and the newcomers into the god- family house was cared for and guided by me.

I started to buckle and crack when any ounce of responsibility or duty was thrown at me. Something I never asked for. Why did the universe, or the spirits always make me struggle with guilt and shame that I couldn’t always help. Needed serious deconstruction and deconditioning - AND start my own journey of care.

When I started to sit with myself more, everything expanded. Had so many emotions that was overly filling and pouring out my little heart. I am totally and utterly all mush. Fully surrendering to the process, present in every breath and movement - in everything big, small and in between.

Realizing that I have fallen out of relationship - with myself and my community. And that is all on me, the lack of care and respect. Now I move differently, fully expanded in so many different way. The thing is, it excites me that I am always changing, growing and expanding. looking forward to my own flow and unfurling.

(Sorry if it sounds gibberish, that’s okay)

I will be opening my services in different ways and containers, my attempt in trying to accommodate the different needs of folks. Give me some time, I tend to move slow but I am working on it.

A different container

The weight beneath the Robes